by Chris Weber
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy gives very few clear and concise instructions more succinct than the entry on panic.
Panic: Don't.
This entry was edited so well that the publishers turned it into a sentence and plastered it in large green friendly letters on the back of the book. Many small minded species found this use of the cliche showy and wondered why anyone would waste a perfectly good four letter word by not starting it with the letter F. A lot of very intelligent hitchhiker’s disagreed and immediately heeded the advice of the guide.
It is a little known fact that the original entry on panic was evolving into a much longer section. This section, and its subsequent subsections, was heavily plagiarized and then redacted due to the subsequent sequence of panic inducing sentences that usually submerged subscribers in a sea of silly subjects. This section laid out the broad and random causes and effects of panic in a way that would not soothe even the most soothing of soothsayers.
At the very end of the large section on panic, was a smaller subsection that was a significant fraction of the larger section that it was a subject of. This subject was titled. The title was, “How to Not Panic.” This is an excerpt from that subsection.
How to Not Panic
Instead of panicking, try one of these fun exercises. (Please note that none of these exercises are likely to help you eliminate the primary source of your panic.)
Exercise 1.
Step1: Lay down on the floor. Put a paper sack over your head.
Step 2: Curl into the fetal position.
Step 3: Continue this motion by placing your head between your legs.
Step 4: Kiss your ass goodbye. (Removal of the paper sack is optional.)
Exercise 2.
Write a guide entry containing an exercise that teaches someone how not to panic.
Exercise 3.
Consume a substance in solid, liquid, or gas form that will produce a psychoactive effect that acts as a counterweight to your panic. Save some for later by condensing it on your towel.
Exercise 4.
Find your towel.
Stay tuned for more guided exercise and make sure to avoid the gym on May 11th.
Chris Weber is an all around hoopy frood that always knows where his towel is. He wrote this bit. This should serve as a stark indictment of his character and humility or lack thereof. He even lied about making his own website once. You can find it at www.AgesOfIrony.com
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